Why Is Ignoring Your Instincts Maybe the Best Decision You Make?

In a previous post, I dug into how to trust yourself again, and although that is an important step in recreating yourself outside of the narcissist’s sphere of influence, it must be carefully monitored in the beginning. Set up a free consult and I can guide you through beginning this process.

Unless you have been separated from your narcissist for enough time to not bristle or blush when you hear their name, you are not ready to trust your instincts. 

This sucks a lot. And it’s one of those woowey-woowey kind of ideas to talk about, as opposed to say, math or your blood pressure.

Here’s the deal. Answer this question with a resounding “YES!” and you know you’re ready to rock with whole instinct thing: 

Do you know who you are without your narcissist? 

If the immediate first word that leapt to mind wasn’t ABSOLUTELY, you are not there. Yet. 

Now let’s talk about how to get there. 

First, you need to work on yourself exclusively for a while. Maybe a long while. 

This can feel like work or it can feel like self-care, and the only difference is how you frame it in your mind. If you say to yourself, “Today I get to use my body, take a long walk in nature, and nourish myself with delicious fruits and vegetables” you are going to feel much different than if you say “I have to haul my ass to the gym, waste time getting my steps in, and eat rabbit food.” Know what I mean? 

Be kind to yourself in every way possible and hopefully in this order. 

Sleep well: Sleep outweighs exercise and diet for overall health benefits. So go to bed when you are tired (i.e. listen to your body). Stop watching screens (television, computers, phones, tablets, etc) at least two hours before your predetermined bedtime. (WHAT?!? You say… then try one hour and add fifteen minutes every week until you can get to two hours). Keep your phone out of the bedroom if possible - this may mean buying an old-school alarm clock. 

Move: This does not mean you need to start training for a marathon (unless this is a dream you have had for years, then go for it!). 

Park (safely) at the back of the lot. 

Make time to step outside your home or office or home office a few times a day to walk a bit or more if the weather is nice or if it isn’t so nice but you’ve got good gear. Try to do this without looking at your phone. Immerse yourself in your surroundings, even if those surroundings are made of glass and concrete. Look for beauty. Acknowledge it with your face - close your eyes and breathe deeply. Smile. Relax your facial muscles. 

Go for an evening stroll, even for ten minutes. Nature is medicine. Dogs are great for helping you take your medicine this way. 

If you also belong to a gym, consider a class. Too much outside of your comfort zone? Consider an online class. YouTube has it all: mat pilates, yoga, tabata, weight training, calisthenics, you name it. Find one that matches your current fitness level (think in terms of beginner, intermediate, and expert) and make a repeatable schedule to engage. Think of this as YOU time. 

Eat well: I am not remotely saying to diet. 

What this means is to eat mindfully. 

I also like to suggest getting the ‘good’ stuff in first, then eating what your mouth likes. 

Example: Add more veggies and fruits, eat eggs and lean meats if you aren’t veggie, and drink lots and lots of water. Still want a cupcake? EAT A DAMN CUPCAKE! You deserve it. If, however, you find yourself eating multiple cupcakes, this no longer falls under the ‘eating well’ idea. 

Try eating everything you can with a fork or a spoon. Set the fork or spoon down between bites. Chew slowly and savor your food. Think about how it is going to make you strong and healthy. Avoid distractions like television or phones. 

Focus on the food: the texture, taste, temperature. What memories do the flavors and scents evoke?

This may seem childish or boring, so I again mention that it is what you make it, positive or negative. Also, I’m a hack in the kitchen and do not enjoy cooking at all. If this is you, you are my people. If this is not you, you are also my people because I appreciate and a little envy you your talent. Either way, focus on the positive.

And try new foods! This can be so fun! Go out to new restaurants and cafés and bars and diners. Order in from places you’ve always wanted to try. Pick up take out on your way home. Find amazing recipes in books, online, and from friends. Make food celebratory instead of needing food to celebrate. 

These three basics go a long way to getting your mind straight. And by straight, I mean better chemically balanced. 

Once you have established some new routines, habits, and norms that put you at the top of your list of what you care about, you can ask yourself that question again…

Do you know who you are without your narcissist?

Did you get a ‘yes’ this time? 

Maybe a little…

It’s great to start small and celebrate each step. Reminder: if revisiting these spaces can trigger emotions, and that’s a sign of growth and healing. 

It’s also okay to step back and come at it another time if they’re not ready yet.

Resounding YES?

Great! Congratulations, you made it. 

But, we still need to talk about instincts. 

Now that you have reframed your relationship with yourself, you can begin to test the limits of this love. 

This may look like revisiting an old haunt from your relationship days. 

This may look like revisiting old posts that feature your former narcissist and deciding if you want to delete them or not. 

This may look like listening to ‘your song’ and seeing how it makes you feel. 

And speaking of feelings. In case you haven’t already figured this out, they are super messy. And beautiful. And challenging. And rewarding. 

Being human means feeling pretty much all the time. Good, bad, happy, sad, angry, joyful, embarrassed, proud, ashamed, excited, and on and on and on. 

Please, please, please don’t try to not feel. Instead, try to find healthy ways to engage with your negative emotions. 

Some coping strategies are journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist. You can  practice mindfulness techniques or meditate. Finding healthy outlets for hard emotions helps us get to the next phase.