Rebuilding Self-Trust: A Guide to Finding Confidence and Belief in Yourself

This is a tough one. Honestly, it might be the hardest part of recovering from a narcissistic relationship.

You thought they were “the one.” You trusted them more than you trusted yourself. Everything you did, every decision you made, was to please them—to receive their approval, their praise. They capitalized on your natural tendency to be a pleaser, twisting it to their advantage.

How do you trust yourself again when this is who you’ve been?

I get it. I’ve been there—twice, in fact.

It’s hard to trust yourself when you no longer even know yourself. You’ve spent so much time focused on someone else that you’ve lost touch with your own wants, needs, and preferences. 

You can probably name every movie, dessert, and song your partner loved. But can you still name your own? Have your tastes mysteriously “merged”? That’s what narcissists do—they convince you that you like what they like, that you are so perfectly in sync. They manipulate you into seeing the world through their eyes.

They convince you it’s “us against the world.” You’re their only ally. Can’t you see that? The world is out to get them—and you’re the only one who understands.

Sound familiar?

But this is NOT how a healthy relationship works.

Yes, common interests matter to some degree. But there are plenty of healthy relationships where two people have very different tastes. In fact, it’s often the differences that make a relationship richer and more dynamic.

Imagine this:

• You love jazz. They love country. No problem—it doesn’t come between you. You enjoy your separate tastes.

• You love live theater. They love virtual reality games. Great! You have friends who share your interests, and you attend events with them.

• You love the mountains. They love the beach. Perfect—more opportunities to explore together and appreciate each other’s preferences.

• You love romance and mystery novels. They love fantasy and history. Over breakfast, you share updates and make recommendations from your own favorite genres.

In each of these scenarios, the differences add texture to your relationship. You feel supported in your individuality, not afraid that liking something different will threaten your connection. 

You compromise and appreciate each other’s uniqueness. That’s how autonomy strengthens a relationship—it doesn’t undermine or alienate.

You feel safe. You feel respected. And in return, your support and compromise are appreciated, not taken for granted.

If this sounds nothing like your previous relationship, or it feels like an impossible ideal, you’ve been deceived. Healthy relationships, where you can trust both yourself and your partner, do exist.

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So why is it so hard to trust yourself again?

Here’s the tricky part. You made normal assumptions in your past relationship—that being in a committed partnership meant your partner had your best interests at heart, just as you had theirs. But now, you realize that wasn’t true. You’re looking back, questioning everything: conversations, conflicts, decisions. You’re left wondering, “What was real?”

This is a normal part of healing. 

Looking back is painful, but it’s also necessary. It helps you take stock of what was lost along the way—your sense of autonomy, your ability to trust your intuition, your social connections, your passions.

Here’s where self-compassion comes in.

As you reflect, remember to show yourself kindness. Don’t blame yourself for the deception. Narcissists are master manipulators. You trusted someone with your heart, and they betrayed that trust. That doesn’t mean you’re flawed or broken—it means you’re human.

Give yourself grace as you process the hurt. Self-compassion is vital here. It helps you acknowledge your pain without letting it define you.

Once you identify what you’ve lost, you can start to reclaim it.

• Your autonomy? You’ll rebuild it.

• Your intuition? You’ll learn to trust it again, little by little.

• Your passions and interests? You’ll rediscover them—or even find new ones.

This is how you rebuild your inner self—by reclaiming the pieces that were overshadowed in the relationship and deciding what you want to carry forward. You’re no longer looking to someone else for approval. You’re learning to trust yourself to protect your own heart.

Trust begins with small steps.

At first, it will feel shaky, uncertain, like you’re walking on unfamiliar ground. That’s okay. Start small: make decisions for yourself without seeking outside validation. Pay attention to your instincts—what feels right, what doesn’t. The more you practice trusting yourself, the more confident you’ll become in your own judgment.

In time, you’ll find that you can trust yourself even more deeply than before—because this time, your trust is based on you, not on anyone else.