How to see your kindness and people-pleaser nature as a gift, not as a flaw…

A few years ago, my husband told me I should stop seeing my kindness as a weakness. I had been reading a lot about dark feminine and shadow work. All of this made me start to think I had been doing something wrong, giving away more than I should and missing out on opportunities to get what I want.

I tried to be a bit more quiet (this is soooo not who I am) and to not smile as often (also, not me). I began to question my natural default to caring for others as something I needed to fix.

Much of my life has looked like striving to bring joy to other people’s lives. I am very disarming, if I do say so myself. Mostly, because I smile a lot. I don’t smile because I’m a vapid idiot and have nothing to say or because I feel like women need to smile to please others or to be seen as pretty.

I smile to put others at ease, to engage with them, to let them know I am friendly and willing to talk or listen or sit quietly and patiently with them if that is what they need. I do not smile at everyone I see. I smile to connect.

Also, I pride myself on remembering specific details others share with me, and I mention them later or pick up a little related ‘happy’ that shows I care. I am a fabulous gift-giver because of this. **Perhaps your pleaser side identifies with this as well.** And honestly, isn’t it just the best feeling to see someone open a carefully chosen or crafted gift and see their face light up with joy? It soooo totally is!

Finding Your Authentic Self Again

I definitely do not think of myself as soft. In fact, I did a little asking around, and if my friends and family are to be believed, that is not a word that comes to mind when they think of me or describe me to others.

My mom once asked me why I don’t cry more. I was shocked, but also so glad I got a chance to explain. When other people are upset, something in me solidifies, so I can be there for them—then I go home and cry in the shower and talk to my husband or journal. I process those feelings later, not in the moment. This works for me; it may not be your bag. That’s all good.

Balancing Pleaser Tendencies with Self-Care

I love myself. Not as much as I should all the time, but as much as I can each day. It’s a journey for everyone. And mine has led me to today. I can handle today.

I can be a strong woman with core values and great ideas and the occasional power move and also be kind, thoughtful, and happy. These traits need not be mutually exclusive.

Here’s where we pleasers often get into trouble:

1. We spend time and effort on others but ignore our own needs.

2. We determine our own self-worth by how others react to our kind gestures, since this is who we are.

Oof. I cannot tell you how many times I have said that my own joy comes from bringing joy to others. And this is true, but this is only half of the picture. I had to learn how to also find joy in bringing joy to myself, completely separated from others. This was difficult for me to learn. Like, really, really difficult. Like, I am still learning it some days.

Why Kindness is a Strength, Not a Weakness

So here’s the secret: Most people in the world do not take care of themselves enough. (Caveat: we are definitely not talking about narcissists here—pretty much all they care about is themselves). Having someone in their lives who they feel really sees and hears them is crucial to their own self-worth.

You, being the kind giver that you are, can make others’ lives better by your automatic, natural default behaviors. **What an amazing gift to have!** To be able to positively contribute to someone else’s self-worth just by being who you are without even having to try. Seriously. Amazing.

This is where balance is key!

Be the kind-hearted pleaser you are. But do not forget to do the same for yourself. Treat yourself at least once a week, or month, or day—whatever keeps you from feeling like you’re sacrificing for others and no one is sacrificing for you.

Remember: You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. AND no one else is responsible for your happiness. That second one can feel a little ouchy for a pleaser, so just keep reminding yourself until it doesn’t sting so much.

Once you find balance, you’re golden!

Reflection Exercise:

- Ask yourself: When have I questioned my kindness or caring nature? Why did I feel like I needed to change?

- Journal prompt: Write about a time when being kind brought you genuine joy. How can you ensure that you show yourself the same kindness?

Some days will be better than others. But the key is to care for yourself as much as you care for others.